The Things We Carry

It was a typical Friday morning and I was settling into my daily routine of verbally abusing people who know marginally less about fashion on the internet. That’s when I saw it: the question, “What do y’all be putting in your totes?” I was quick to respond aptly- “holy shit did someone iron the wrinkles out of your brain?” But as odd and frankly easy a question as it was, it stuck with me. I think it took me back to my 15 year old friendless and EDC-obsessed days, reading article after article on what people were filling their backpacks with day to day. Paying homage to my younger and dumber self, I present to you: Top 10 Things to carry in your tote bag.

1. Laptop


As a college student and influencer multi-hyphenate extraordinaire, I would probably die without my laptop. Sure, a tote doesn’t offer much protection- it sure didn’t save my MacBook from hard concrete one fateful evening last spring but taking care of electronics is for poor people and I’m pretending to be rich.

2. Water Bottle


Water is cool. Angrily chugging water while stomping to class is cool. Having a water bottle covered with stickers that tell the world how cool you are is cool. You do want to be cool don’t you?

3. A Book


When I feel like carrying more than one thing in my tote, I love to add a book to enhance my sense of pseudo-intellectualism. When I’m going for straight intellect, I go for my unread copy of Gogol’s Dead Souls. Other days I opt for a copy of the Bible, Teruyoshi Hayashida’s Take Ivy. 

4. A Spare Shirt


Nothing says rich like having the ability to just pull a second shirt out of your tote and switch up the fit wherever you are. Sometimes things get a little messy and you have to replace your t-shirt, as carefully selected as I’m sure it was.

5. Seven Inches

If you haven’t noticed already, my personality is built entirely upon flexing shallow but exquisite taste. The best way to do so - as you may have noticed by this point, is carrying “artifacts” of this pseudo-culture. A tasteful tote is not complete without some seven inch vinyl. Whether its a half dozen over-priced screamo EPs, a stack unknown releases bought for $0.25 each, or the latest hardcore release, spilling these will definitely “scare the hoes.”

6. Groceries

Arguably the most important use for a tote is groceries. Twitter told me single-use plastic is bad and I should be ashamed of using plastic bags. Really though, I fucking hate having 300 of the flimsy little fuckers all over the house and showing up to Lidl with a big ole Totokaelo tote instantly makes me 69 times cooler. For the broke bitches, Vans makes a bag you can get with a dollar donation in store and that thing is bomb proof on God.

7. More Totes


Totes are great. Totes are addictive. One day you will wake up and realize you suddenly have 80 New Yorker totes but still no hotties have come up to you, said, “Wow you’re so cultured,” and swept you off your feet to take your to their favorite chopped cheese spot before a cute afternoon at the MoMA. Instead of shoving all those totes precariously into a corner where they will topple over every time you reach for one, why not stick them all in another tote? I’m literally an organizational genius Marie Kondo ain’t got shit on me. 

8. Brewskis


Aye, every town is a college town - Who doesn’t love some Modelo’s with the fellows, a little Criterion channel and chill, three cases of Mike’s Hard, and some good old amber ditch water? Me? You know I’ll be rocking with the People’s Beer of Richmond - Preferably in a 99 pack because it’s gonna be a long winter and these sorrows ain’t gonna drown themselves.

9. Gearbox for Audi A4 B6


Yes, my humble chariot. I drive it like a fucking psychopath. Friends offer me rides because they’re scared I’ll wrap myself around a tree. The way I violently chug through gears off the line compounded by the car’s awful reliability, I’m sure this big ole hunk of metal will be required soon.

10. Arturo


Yes, you read that right. Everyone’s favorite mid-sized Mexican. He’s already made his way into this writer’s heart with his beautiful smile and youthful innocence. Arturo is a firmly-established tote bag expert and his cripplingly low self-worth makes him the perfect low cost stylist; he’d probably do it for an oat milk latte and a pat on the head.