Let’s Talk About Coffee Cups

We all drink it, well, most of us do, assuming you’re cool with entry level drugs. But most of us drink coffee. Everyone has their preference, whether that’d be milk with some coffee seasoning, or Oatly because it’s more hip than your average trust fund baby in Williamsburg. Regardless of how you like your hot bean juice I’m here to bind us together by a common thread. I’m talking about the threat that sullies your Doc Martens, that blemishes your raw denim, and the most egregious crime, making you look like you can’t even drink a beverage correctly. That’s right, I’m talking about coffee cups.

Now, please, allow myself, to introduce myself. I’m by no means a coffee connoisseur, however I frequently take my coffee black and due to the transitive property gained through consumption I’m more progressive than anyone else reading this. Countless times I’ve had my day ruined by that infamous drip of coffee that spills onto the neat Levi’s tee my mom bought me for Christmas. The counter argument is that you should inspect your cup prior to even taking the first sip but that just simply isn’t what I want to do. Not to mention the coffee is typically under the lid as it jumps out of the cup. As a man of sophistication and class, you would not catch me dead raising my coffee cup in public as if it were Simba from The Lion King. After all, The Lion King is a low tier movie with apparent commentary on classism that no one seems to understand. However, that’s beside the fact. Allow me to provide a visual representation for what I mean:

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I went to Art School, so this may be a little too abstract for the uncultured mind, but please allow me to explain. The coffee (indicated by the brown specks) drips down from the top of the cup. This usually comes from UNDER the lid they put on top of the cup. Every barista is guilty of doing this, except that one cute barista at your local independent coffee shop - she can do no wrong. 

Allow me to simply explain why this happens. You are putting too much coffee inside the cup. Whether it’s your plain hot coffee, cold brew, or triple shot mocha 3 sugar coffee, that liquid is trying to escape and in this case, right over the top. It renders walking with a coffee cup an extreme sport. Ironically, the only cups that wouldn’t do this were Dunkin' Donuts’ foam cups but y'all cancelled those into oblivion. Regardless of who cancelled what, I’m just trying to bring awareness to this fact, which is way more common than anyone thinks and happens to me all the time, ergo, it happens to other people as well. Simply put, I just want coffee to stop dripping all over my deadstock Skechers. So please, do not overfill my coffee cup. Thank you.

The author would like us to make special note that this article, though it brings up some important points, is largely satire. You might notice though by their writing style that perhaps they are too distressed in the head to entirely understand what satire is. God Bless.

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