Top 5 Supreme Items to Kill Eric Whiteback
Every week at 11 AM EST you sit slack-jawed before the warm glow of your MacBook hitting command+R over and over, a stack of various credit and debit cards strewn about the nearest surface. This morning you’re attempting to cop a wrench and some God awful Yohji Yamamoto collaboration that should have never happened. And your girlfriend? Well she’s had more than enough. She’s had enough of nice couple’s dinners being dependent on the resale value of t-shirts, she’s had enough of the bed being covered in an eight inch thick pile of over-branded blankets, and she’s had enough of not being able to use some of the dishes in the kitchen because “they have to stay deadstock.” She’s had enough and she’s leaving.
With no one else in the apartment it seems empty, lifeless. You spiral into an abyss of depression. Novelty housewares no longer bring you the same joy, they now seem like a tripping hazard more than anything. You’re suddenly no more than an incel with $40,000 worth of gag gifts. In an attempt to find a scapegoat, you remember Eric Whiteback. Yes, that’s it, he’s the one who turned you into this slobbering hypebeast. You have to show your ex that you’ve changed, you have to kill Eric Whiteback, you’re the fuckboy Travis Bickle.
x Rigid Pipe Wrench
Fall/Winter 2020
It would be so poetic to end Whiteback’s life with the same accessory that ended your relationship. Plus, if it’s good enough to be one of the suspect weapons in Clue, it should be plenty good enough for you.
x Hardcore Hammer
Fall/Winter 2012
It’s not like you were ever going to do manual labor, let alone with a $1k hammer. Anyway, give Whiteback a tap on the ole noggin and it’s Business as Usual.
x Louis Vuitton Monogram Pillow
Spring/Summer 2017
I guess if you’re a real fuckin’ psychopath and want to feel the life leave his body you could smother him. Might as well do it with the biggest daddy’s money flex possible.
x Hohner Melodica
Fall/Winter 2018
Yeah, I know, it doesn’t look very lethal. But imagine every night standing outside Whiteback’s house, attempting a lackluster cover of one of the most overrated songs in human history. Just as Salieri used music to destroy Mozart in Amadeus, such an appalling, recurring performance could destroy Whiteback.
x Redbubble Bootleg
Speaking of Amadeus, just as Mozart thinking he saw the ghost of his dead father ripped his psyche to shreds, imagine what seeing his favorite brand logo appropriated by atheists could do to the Christian Hypebeast.
Keep scrolling, bitch.
