No Cap: Hat Trends That Need to Die in 2020
For a long time, I did not like how I looked in hats. I felt like I was either trying too hard, or that it just looked strange on my head. It took a period of experimentation and trying different looks before I finally settled upon hats that I could wear. I typically cycle between dad hats on bad-hair / rainy days, bucket hats (strictly reserved for warm weather), and beanies in the winter. While I think there are plenty of ways to rock hats, let’s discuss some things that need to stop.
Tiny Beanies: Do I really need to explain why these suck? This look screams “Creative Director/Influencer/DJ” as your Raya bio. (That is not a good thing).
MAGA Hats (Including parodies): The hat is an eyesore. Every parody is lame and feels as gauche as the original. If you’re one of those losers who always feels the need to be subversive, continue to wear your “Make America Cool Again” hat. Just realize why people are hesitant to be with you.
Fedoras: While some of my favorite tastemakers have vouched for them, I will die on the hill that fedoras are some of the worst - perhaps the worst - hats a person can wear. They are entirely situational, and even when you’re wearing white linen and geotagging Vinales, you still look like a stupid tourist. Most of the time people wearing fedoras think they look like Humphrey Bogart when they really look like James Toback.
Baseball Cap Beanie: This should be obvious. These hats are the Frankenstein’s Monster of the fashion world. Friends should not let friends wear these in public.
Stickers: It’s not an Off-White tag, my guy. You bought that hat at Champs. There is absolutely no reason not to take off all the stickers, tags, and any other extraneous branding from your hat.
The Reservoir Tip Look: People who wear their beanies like this look like gigantic dick heads. It is anything but cool and I still wonder how people achieve this post-coital contraceptive silhouette every time they put their hat on.
Wide Brimmed Derby Hats: Easy there Kung Lao, save some ass for the rest of us. Jokes aside, these hats are terrible and look dumb.
Newsboy Hats: Only fat nerdy guys (George RR Martin, please finish Winds of Winter) and Joseph Joestar can pull this look off. The rest of you look like the target demographic for a pop-up “museum” designed solely to be shared on Instagram.
Stop Wearing Hats Daily: As any decent hairdresser knows, hats damage your hair and should not be worn every day. If you are wearing a hat every day, make sure it is not too tight. Tightness cuts off air circulation to the scalp, which can lead to a medley of issues, including but not limited to hair loss. Those guys who think they’re beating the system by hiding a receding hairline underneath their Yankee fitted are exacerbating the catalyst of their insecurity.
