My Favorite Subculture is Horse-Girls
Growing up in an upper-middle-class, pseudo-rural town in Vermont meant that every summer was interrupted with an infiltration of money, class, and literal shit brought by the annual horse show. To locals like me, this phenomenon is known more accurately as the horse-girl traveling circus.
Once a year, they waltz into town with their trailers stuffed with highly disciplined horses, impeccably polished leather, and oblivious entitlement. For the next thirty days— and much to the chagrin of locals— the town is theirs. It wouldn’t shock me if they genuinely believed that, save for the four weeks they brought their Michael Kors-branded business into town, we were all a bunch of cavemen living off the leftovers from their prior visit.
The first few years I witnessed this invasion, I did what any self-respecting Vermonter would do and fled to the peak of the nearest and highest mountain. As the years went on, however, like the rabid animal they pegged me for, I began to grow curious about these “flatlanders.” The traps laid by these tan-legged intruders (in conjunction with the frustration of living in hiding for 1/12 of the year) had begun to work. I resigned myself to the fact that, despite the nearly unbearable arrogance of these girls, their horse show did employ many of my friends. Their generous— if condescending— financial contributions could not be denied.
Eventually, I decided to do the whole “not beating but joining” thing. This meant spending every last dollar of my parent’s savings in a “borrowed not stolen” themed outing with their credit cards (in my defense no real horse-girl is self-funded). I purchased the most pompous, expensive-looking horse on the market and set off to my nearest saddlery to purchase a four-figure horse seat.
I kid, of course, but plenty of my classmates did join the party. Investing in the look to break into the horse-girl circles, they realized a few hundred dollars too late that they would soon face the condescending "Oh you’re from here?” remarks that come with being a native. See, to these girls— who would go home and tell their friends they “basically” live in Vermont during the summer— being a Vermonter is like an “I Love New York” sweatshirt. It’s acceptable to wear elsewhere, but once you’re actually in New York the garment becomes slightly pathetic.
Thankfully, I swerved that fate, treating the hard-hatted wannabe-royals with a detached amusement which I’m sure they thought me incapable of. In this time, I came to realize that they might actually have something to offer me: they were ambassadors for a rich equine culture that I have no qualms appropriating.
While other subcultures are often bred from some sort of marginalization that leaves the participants no choice but to form their own niche, the horse-girl is, in many ways, the complete opposite. Their lives are so privileged that they have formed their own leisure clubs within which they spend their time and fortunes. So, without further ado or moral hiccup, I present the best style and traditions they have to offer.
1. Customization
While you were claiming to be the first to try to have the word “Fuck” printed on the heel strip of your Chuck Taylor’s, horse-girls were already steeped in the customization tradition. Blankets, hats, saddles, bridles— they know there’s nothing uglier than an accessory without an initial or horse’s name. This is something we should all adopt. Nothing screams class like a monogram… just maybe leave behind that gross cursive font.
2. Fine Leather Accessories
Often bearing the aforementioned personalized details, these accessories are stylish beyond the barn. Leather boots, chaps, saddlebags— the timelessness of these accessories lend to endless reimagining by houses and designers from Gucci to Isabel Marant to Etro.
3. Tailoring
Nearly as unassailable as the class structure from which they find themselves profiting is the level of perfection to which their show coats are fitted. Pair that with a button-down whiter, somehow, than their entire friend group, and the result is posh perfection. While most of us aren’t the kind of person to trash our friend Britney/Porsche/Ashleigh/Summer/etc. behind her back about how her McMansion is the smallest on the block, we should be dressing like we are that person. And all that takes is a little tailoring.
4. Riding Crops
Just kidding… or am I?
5. Unabashed Dignity
Anyone who can spend hours each day in and around literal horse shit and still treat any person in the service industry like her personal slave knows a thing or two about dignity. Deserved or not, they refuse to let any level of self-awareness knock them from their high horse. Let’s all tone that attitude way down and maybe just allow ourselves to walk without a hunch-back.
