There Are Many Like It
I’m bald. Been bald for a hot minute. Around 17, I learned my thick hair was quitting on me faster than y’all did on that submarine. I always knew balding as a symptom of having a couple children. I had zero kids. Still do. Naturally, I lied to myself for a good four years, adopting a copious hat collection which I still live with. This collection served as an entry point into high fashion via the bald man’s Swiss Army knife: The Supreme Camp Cap. Since then, I’ve amassed (and sold) so many of my shiny trinkets; yet nothing will satisfy the manic need to dye my hair or adorn the unruly shag.
I live in a hilarious pit of bald misery surrounded by stitching, visors, straps, panels, and sweatbands. Of course, I shave my head, but the addition of an on-the-go alternative throughout the day is just too enticing. Many listicles for hats are created by people who cosplay baldness — riddled with thick-haired fellas who voluntarily cover their lettuce in exchange for Rick Blaine’s fedora or that dusty, thrifted dad hat with more grease stains than my shirt after hot pot (dip it in OxyClean, you clowns). These people are not hiding a fun surprise, collecting sweat, avoiding scalp-based sunburn, or searching endlessly for a hat to fit their big ass cranium. These folks are pushing hats as an accessory, not necessity. I love my hats. They are the least judgemental part of my wardrobe, I use hats as a way to accent an attitude the same way a unique hairstyle would pass off. The appeal of hats is their accessibility. Even if the one you want is out of production, an alternative most likely exists with minimal barrier to entry.
With that said, all of these hats cannot be purchased anymore. The sellers have sadly passed on and I click no receipt at checkout. There are many hats in the world but these are mine.
My go-to: The J Crew National Park Foundation hat. Fits my head like a glove, pause. The bill is fairly narrow but gives good shape to my actual skull. Not to mention it has a very classy leather strap that doesn’t limit you to notches similar to snapback straps. Have I been to Maine? Of course. Oh, did I walk Acadia?
Next, I have to bring up my Capitol Hill Books hat. This bookstore is perfect for adventures, many people claim “It feels like your grandparents' attic,” which I would vouch for. Lined with rows and rows of bookshelves and the smell of a mildewy Bible, this place is a treat. My favorite part is you need to physically visit the establishment to purchase. Out of respect for an OG, I’m not goofing around on this blip, but having a bookstore hat is essential to getting that perfect pour-over made for you.
Everyone deserves a fun little snapback. For me, it’s my From Within Records hat. 100% pure DIY hardcore. Stiching, hard. Bill, tough. It even boasts a 6 prong strap so you can practically glue it to your skull when windmilling in the mirror. Support them HERE
For something accessible: my Noah Core Logo hat. I enjoy a good Noah purchase that maintains its life cycle and crispness. More importantly, I’ll always commend the brand for operating as a safehouse between Aimé Leon Dore and the BBC store. This hat is the default compliment to my standard outfit choice of Denim & Dinner. I think the logo is tiny enough to blend in. I find myself selecting tinier designs to forego the monochrome hat transformation that turns you into a cop, or worse: Jeremy Strong.
Nearing the end, I’d like to draw everyone’s attention to the Limited Edition Hand Stitched Ice Grillz Cold World Fitted Hat. Shout out Woj as these were pickup only under a limited batch. More of a collectible, I don’t wear this out but if I did I’d dust off my crispest camo cargo shorts, tall tee, and Air Max 97s.
Finally, my JTTB hat. I’m only allowed to wear this hat if I’m uncuffing my jeans, untucking my shirt, and clicking 25% on the barista tip tablet. I only throw this on with mute colors as I do declare it a statement hat. That statement? I love football, writing, & reproductive rights.
I hope you enjoyed my extremely useless collection. For my next innovative piece, I’ve been thinking of a Sisyphean comparison between Bushwick & Fishtown Stanley Cup straw covers, but that’s neither here nor there.