Let’s Talk About Your Instagram Stories
Hello again, it’s your favorite tastemaker; and by tastemaker I’m just an aquarius with a superiority complex who thinks anything different is better. But on a serious note, I want to moan and groan about what y'all are posting on your instagram stories. Lately I’ve found myself using the mute button on people I follow. That’s right, the mute button can be used on other people than that ex you have an unhealthy obsession with! Like come on bro, she just died her hair purple, let it go. Anyway, the mute button has been a blessing for me because certain people don’t know when to quit it with their trash content. Now I’m not going to tell you what to POST on your own page but lord please save others from everything you post. So let’s get into it, and discuss these terrible Instagram stories.
Your Club Excursions. There’s two types of people who are doing this. First there's people who go to TAO every night and post their table. No, I’m not jealous - I’m just disappointed. The problem is not that these people are going every night, it’s the fact that I’m now going to have to watch 20-25 story posts about every inkling of your night-every night. Not to mention, we know it’s not your money, because no sane person making a decent salary invests in going to TAO every night. So please take your Daddy’s Managing Director money and invest in an exchange traded fund.
The second offender is your average bar girl. This girl graduated from a party school and that clearly means she’s graduating from bars to clubs! To be fair, this girl (and her friends) probably saved up their money from the public relations firm they work at to get a table at 1OAK. Communication degrees rock! I cannot tell someone how to spend their money, however if you’re following this person, be prepared to have the architecture of 1OAK shoved up your ass. She will post anything and everything. Yes, there will be a Boomerang and yes, it will be captioned with that cursive font. Do you really think she’s leaving that club without a basic sorority squat that she captions with “Had the time of my life with these amazing girls~”? Muting this person’s stories would be easier on your eyes, but you might feel a lot better if you just muted the whole account.
Your Music Tastes. My Spotify Wrapped said I discovered 600 new artists in 2019 yet most of the people I follow never left the home screen. I pride myself in one thing: it’s the fact that I enjoy all forms of music. My goal here is to stomp out your poor idea of “art for the ear.” Everyday I’m greeted with Drake; Drake this , Drake that, STOP IT Tanner! Stop posting the Scorpion album art every Thursday before you go out to your hometown bar. I’m by no means a Drake fan, but I will concede he is an icon. a So if you’re gonna post Aubrey, please at least post a better album of his.
Don’t laugh Ashley! I see you posting that new Halsey album with some goofy emojis even though it’s probably just “Without Me” with the new cover art. And let’s be clear, Halsey hasn’t made music with substance since New Americana.
I also hear some other folk snickering on the side. Don’t think I forgot about you overall, pastel short wearing, “I just discovered those heart shoes,” Canon AE-1 shooting, quirky kids. Posting Tyler the Creator, Brockhampton, Dominic Fike, and anything adjacent does not save you from being a meme. Remember when Igor came out? We had to see Tyler’s face along with the title “Earfquake” 50 times over. You’re not quirky, you’re a statistic. Get some help. Visit the Discover page.
Your Low Tier Memes. I post memes, you post memes, we ALL post memes. The issue is some of you are posting memes that have been passed around more than, well, let’s not get into that. Posting a meme from Fuck Jerry or any other page that has over a million follows has been seen by everyone at this point. We don’t need you posting the meme- like at all. Instead, support your local meme pages! Go to your local meme store with your world favorite tote bag and stock up on memes from pages such as BiigWes, Patias Fantasy World, or my favorite: TeddyRooseveltsMustache. I promise you won’t be disappointed.
There are a dozen other things I can complain about and you know who you are, but in the end the only person who should be allowed to post stories longer than my love for gambling is Jon Moy.
This is a tame length for Jon, but he’s a tastemaker and I respect it - despite me trying to buy the clothes he posts only to be greeted with 高価に 高価に高価に 高価に ¥25000. If you get anything from this, follow Jon Moy because his stories are better than yours and would it kill you to get a little bit of culture in your life, Garrett?