A Music Review in Quarantine? Groundbreaking.
No one cares what Secretly WhiteTano has to say about music (he fully invalidated himself when he gave 1000 Gecs a light 7). Pitchfork isn’t any better; they gave the infamously bad at drunk driving Sam Hunt’s recent album a higher score than Phoebe Bridger’s Stranger in the Alps. Welcome to my “That Dixie Chick Album Kinda Rules,” or maybe consider it “The First Music Review That Won’t Leave You Hating the Person That Wrote It.” My name is Devin, let’s get started.
Color Theory - Soccer Mommy
Soccer Mommy makes music for people who peaked in high school. The first time I met this album it invited me to go drink Miller Lites and smoke Swishers in its backyard because its parents were out of town for the weekend. Don’t worry; it insisted that its neighbors wouldn’t call the cops. I think the best place to listen to this album would be a Walmart parking lot. Alternatively, it would make great background music for the video you made when your friend asked you to record him doing kickflips in the street in front of your old middle school. He wanted you to use Tyler, the Creator music, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. That friend is no longer allowed within 100 feet of that middle school. Color Theory slaps, and the music video for “Circle the Drain” is the best skate video since 2005’s “Baker 3.”
Top 3 songs: Bloodstream, Circle the Drain, Stain
Dream Girl - Anna of the North
Anna of the North is my favorite Scandinavian pop star not named Robyn, and her most recent album Dream Girl is everything I wish Carly Rae Jepsen’s Dedicated was. Don’t get me wrong, Dedicated is great, but this is so much better. She takes 80’s synth pop to a whole new level, and some of her beats wouldn’t feel out of place on a Frank Ocean record. That’s maybe the highest praise I can give. She sings about love and relationships with the naiveté of a girl next door whose high school sweetheart cheated on her the day after they split off to college, but for some reason I feel like she’s the one breaking my heart. I would let her hit me with a bus. Dream Girl is dreamy, expansive synth pop through and through, but it’s so. damn. good. Play this album the next time that crush of yours leaves you on read on Snapchat or adds you to their private Instagram story.
I know this album came out in 2019, but I just couldn’t not write about it. Also, this is my album review not yours so fuck off.
Top 3 songs: Dream Girl, Time To Get Over It, Leaning on Myself
Heartless - The Weeknd
“Never need a bitch I’m what a bitch need.” I’m aware this is a song, not an album, but I had to include it for that line and that line alone. Dudes will be using this line as an Instagram caption for the next 4 years despite the fact that the last time they talked to a girl was in a frat basement pre-quarantine and said girl went home with another guy. Truly incredible stuff from Abel here.
The New Abnormal - The Strokes
I wanted to like this album, I promise, I really did. To be completely honest, I only half listened to half the songs. The problem is I was just so underwhelmed I couldn’t finish it. Maybe I just hold the Strokes to an unattainable standard and nothing they make will ever compare to Is This It. This album was just boring. It probably has to do with the fact that Julian Casablancas sings every song like he would rather be anywhere in the world other than recording a new The Strokes album. Apathy is cool and all, but it only gets you so far. I will say that the cover art is great. It reminds me of a sketch from someone who saw a vulture on an ayahuasca-fueled vision quest in Joshua Tree, but it also feels oddly out of place on the cover of a Strokes album. If you like this album you’re probably a New York transplant or you dream of moving to New York but you’ll never leave your mid-tier suburb and you view The Strokes as the gatekeepers to a culture you’ll never truly fit in with. I refuse to just give The Strokes a pass on subpar music because their debut was so good, and I’m willing to take the heat that comes with that statement. After attempting to listen to this alleged masterpiece, I couldn’t help but find myself wondering “Is this it?”
